Harry Potter Fanfiction Anonymous
by ZeeZee22
Summary: Addicted to Harry Potter fanfiction that has no plot or character development? Step inside, our doors are always open- just bring your checkbook.
1. DG: Ginny

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: Note that this is not bashing. There are plenty of fics in which the characters can have non-canon relationships, as they act natural. It's when there is no true "character development" at all is what bugs me.**

**A/N: Inspired by QueenParody's parody.**

You walk up to the door on which "Harry Potter Fanfiction Anonymous" is almost unreadably written. Underneath the sign is a notice that states that walk-ins are not allowed. This is almost unreadable too, not because of the writing, but because someone has scrawled "Vampirz rule, wizards drool ha ha ha" all over it.

You knock hesitantly on the door. Someone yells "It's open" and you walk into the room. Chairs are set up in a semicircle around a desk; all of the chairs are occupied except for the one nearest the creepy looking, white bearded guy sitting at the desk.

"Welcome," he says. "Might I add, this is Harry Potter Anonymous, not Twilight Anonymous." Immediately half of the people leave. You move over to a seat by a girl whose name-tag says Helen.

"Do I know you?" she asks the guy at the desk. Now that you think about it, he does look kind of familiar. He starts to lecture, but you ignore him, trying to figure out where you've seen him. Then you remember. He's the guy who wears the chicken suit at that fast- food restaurant; apparently he was shot down for the role of Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movie.

"Now that you've completed the outline of your fanfiction..."t he man says. You start. You look down at the blank sheet of paper in front of you and attempt to hide behind your backpack.

"Now might I add that these are completely confidential and secret," says the man. "Helen, why don't you read yours out loud while I videotape it for posterity."

Helen squeaks in fright, then composes herself. "I wrote a DracoGInny fic from Ginny's point of view," she says quietly. She looks around, then seeing that she is not going to be let off the hook, she sighs and begins.

---Cue parody---

Hi! I'm Ginny! I am a happy and extraordinarily vibrant person, as I grew up with a normal family, unlike some of the characters who are going to show up in this fic. I've never had a problem in my life...Tom Riddle? Tom Who? Of course I'm not mentally scarred from attempting to murder people...as I was saying, I'm very happy, and of course I have that darn Weasley temper.

Which leads me to the only problem in my life- my brother. Always butting into my relationships, ignoring my preferences; of course, I love him as he's my brother but... (checks script)...scratch that. He's an absolute git and I'm determined to show him up by snogging someone he doesn't approve of...(someone comes running in and whispers in her ear)...I mean, oh look, I've just been transfered into a 7th year Potions class. Oh no, I'm late!

I'm running, running...oh no! Crash! Great. Now I've landed on Draco Malfoy. OMG. HOT. As in godlike body, divine muscles (Ginny rambles on for 4 more minutes).

I'm in my Potions class and oh no! I've just been partnered with Draco Malfoy! We spend the class saying "Weasley" "Ferret" and completely ignoring our work.

I'm off to lunch and daydreaming about Malfoy while telling myself that I don't like him when along comes my roommate Mary (checks script) I mean my best friend Luna Lovegood.

What did you say Luna? I couldn't hear you over the glare of Draco Malfoy's eyes. A plot twist? I'm being sent on an exchange trip to Slytherin? OH NO!!! Oh wait. This will be a great way to annoy my brother!

So off I go to my room in Slytherin. Lucky me! I get my own room. I go off to class, but I can tell someone is following me. I spin around. Gotcha! Wait...it's Malfoy!

Later that night as a pass Moaning Myrtle's bathroom I hear someone crying. Who is it? It's... Malfoy? (Cell phone rings. Ginny answers it.) Oh wait, I forgot to list this as angst. Ignore that last bit.

Suddenly I can hear Malfoy behind me. I turn around to scream, so he tries to silence me.... by kissing.

OMG. HOT. (Extra brownie points if you talk about messed up hair). I run away, leaving Malfoy...I mean, Draco, staring after me. I spend the night sleeping fitfully, dreaming inappropriate dreams about Draco Malfoy.

The next day, we kiss again. I tell him he's gotta date me. We are in love after one day.

At breakfast, I chat with Harry Potter. Draco suddenly feels extreme jealously and punches Harry, saying "Get away from my girlfriend!" I don't think it's weird or possessive. I think it's cute.

Of course, that declaration causes all the Weasley clan to attack Draco. I fight against them and we all land in detention. They decide to accept it, because I'm happy (although they are all sullen) and Draco smirks. And smirks. We kiss.

Then comes the epilogue, where the marriage scene is shown. NOTE THAT I AM HAPPY.

---End parody---

The white-bearded man blinks. "Ummm....we'll work on that," he says weakly. "Class dismissed until next week."

You gather your stuff and head off to Twilight Anonymous.

**Review please!**


	2. DG: Draco

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: The smirks are set to this time-tested tune: DuhDuhDuh Da DUH (SMIRK smirk SMIRK smirk).**

---

You walk up to the door with the new sign that proclaims "Harry Potter Anonymous." You weren't quite sure whether to come back when you realized that the fee you paid is non-refundable.

You are about to turn the doorknob when you hear a commotion behind you. You turn around and see a cringing figure in basketball shorts surrounded by a crowd of teenage girls with pitchforks. "All I said was that the characters in your fanfiction didn't have chemistry," he protests weakly before he is enveloped by the crowd.

You shrug and enter the room. The setup is the same as last week's, but there are less people. You ignore the stack of nametags and "accidentially" knock them to the ground. Taking a seat as far away from the man at the desk as is possible, you end up next to Helen. You notice that she is the only one wearing a nametag.

"Now that you've finished revising the fanfictions that we wrote last week..." says the man at the desk; then he notices you. "You're late," he tells you. You shrug. You have "last week's story" i.e. the one you wrote in the car, causing you to be late.

"Okay, I'm going to need a volunteer to read their story," says the white-bearded man. When no one volunteers, he sees Helen scratching her neck. "Thank you for volunteering!" he says to Helen. Helen sighs, then picks up her paper.

"I made some changes to last week's fanfiction," she says. You wonder what they are and realize you said that out loud when she answers.

"I changed the point of view."

--Cue parody--

Hello. My name is Draco Malfoy. And before we get this fic on the road I need to establish one thing. I AM HOT. And damn sexy. Got that?

Draco Malfoy is sitting at the Slytherin table looking very hot. Oh, and discussing how he didn't support the Dark Lord with the almost as hot Blaise Zabini. Did we mention that Draco was hot?

Then suddenly, Blaise Zabini whispers, "Look at the entrance." Draco Malfoy turn around and sees Ginny Weasley walking in. "Wow," he thinks. "She's almost as hot as I am."

Draco smirks. His goal in life is to break the world record of smirks. Now he's off to Potions class. Oh no! He's late. Crash! He bumps into Ginny Weasley. This is usually the point where he starts fantasizing about her. While being very hot.

In Potions class we find out that he's been paired with Ginny. Cue insults! "Weasel" SMIRK smirk SMIRK smirk. "Ferret" SMIRK smirk SMIRK smirk.

This is the point where we learn about how Draco is known as a player. But somehow, he's become obsessed with Ginny Weasley. Of course it's not lust! Of course it's not stalking! Next you'll be saying he has a Dark Mark.

He spends lunch staring at Ginny. Blaise Zabini makes fun of him. Pansy Parkinson starts yelling, "Draco, why don't you love me?" Draco remembers all the girls he's "dated" and decides that they were all boring; that they are not holding his interest like Ginny. Extra brownie points if he decides that he's in love with her already after a record total of 2 hours.

Due to his obsession-ness, Draco decide to walking in the corridors during the night. He sees Ginny and starts following her. Suddenly she hears him and spins around. Note that he is hot at this point. It is integral to the plot. (Reader: Plot? What plot?)

Oh no, she going to scream? What can he do? He silences her....by kissing her. Silencing charm? Baseball bat? What's that supposed to mean?

Ginny runs for the common room and Draco spends he night thinking about Ginny Weasley. The next day they bump into each other outside the locker room and start snogging.

At the next meal Draco sees Ginny talking to Harry Potter; feeling...er...protective....Draco punches Harry, yelling "Get away from my girlfriend!" This causes all the Weasleys to attack Draco.

Eventually, everyone decides to leave them alone because they are oh so happy together. Draco is hot. They kiss. SMIRK smirk SMIRK smirk.

---End parody---

You start to laugh and Helen's face falls. You stifle the giggles, but it is too late. After seeing everyone glare at you, you mutter, "Bathroom..." and flee the room. Behind you, you hear a voice say faintly, "Class dismissed until next week."

**A/N: Any ideas on other fanfiction cliches to parody?**

**Loved it? Hate it? Review please!**


	3. Mary Sue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

You walk up the long dark hallway to the door with the badly written sign that proclaims "Harry Potter Anonymous." Feeling a tad guilty, you made sure to come early today and brought your own supplies. You push open the door and walk in.

The room is empty except for a young man sitting next to the window. The cloud covering the sun outside dissipates and a ray hits him. You gasp. Was he...sparkling?

The young man sees you look at him and quickly leaves the room. This appears to be the cue for the rest of the class to enter.

Despite your attempt to project a "don't sit next to me" aura so you can have a chair for a footrest, Helen sits next to you.

She turns to you and you avoid her gaze. "I forgive you for laughing," she says cheerfully.

"Umm...thanks," you say.

"But to show that you're sorry, could you read my new fanfic?"

Before you can say anything, she hands you the paper and starts listening to the speaker at the desk.

You shrug and start reading.

---Cue parody---

Hello! My name is Pearl Diamond Arabella Rose Angel Evergreen Night Raven Perfect Pink Blue Gold Mary Sue. But you can call me Mary.

I am, like, really beautiful. If I look in a mirror, you can see that I have, like, purple-green-silver eyes and knee length hair that shimmers like gold and silver combined. I've been begged by thousands of modeling agencies to, like, take millions of dollars to model for them, Like, OMG! But I can't, because I'm secretly a witch!

And not just any witch. I can do magic, like, without a wand, and, like, have more power than any canon character EVER. I can also magically change outfits. Like, right now I'm wearing a hot pink minidress. Poof! Now I'm wearing a neon blue minidress! People say that I have such wonderful taste in clothes.

They also say that I am perfect. But I already knew that. Of course I am, being Harry Potter's long-lost sister!!!11

But don't be fooled. My life has been filled with, like, horrors. I never, like, knew my mom, and my dad, like, remarried a totally evil woman. My horrible stepmother, like, tried to make me go to school (!) which I have NO time for, with my busy social schedule.

By the way, I'm going to be a transfer student into the totally ugly Hogwarts. Of course, I'm sure I can fix that....

---End parody---

You hand the paper back to Helen, not saying anything. Helen beams at you.

"You liked it?" she says happily. "I'm bringing the next part of the story to next week's class when we write OCs."

"Next part..." you say weakly.

"Yep!" she says. "That was the introduction!"

You flee the classroom as soon as class is dismissed.

**A/N: A bit short. Sorry. Also, as this is listed as Draco and Ginny, at least one of those two are going to consistently appear.**

**Review please!**


	4. Dramione

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: Yes, I know. I did not update for ages. Real life started again, and it took over. But I am back, with the final installment. Also, extra special thanks to ChocolatStar, who gave me the inspiration for this chapter!**

You sit in the tree by the building and can't stop shivering. It's 12 am and you forgot to bring a sweater. As you sit there and watch, the final light goes off. You take a deep breath and grab your bag.

The door is locked, but the window on the right side is not. As you pull yourself through it, you pause and ask yourself if this is worth it. It is. It is for the sake of humanity.

The cubicles are dark and you try to find the right one, cursing yourself for not bringing a flashlight. Finally, after a lot of stumbling followed by anxious glances at the door, you reach the cubicle labeled Helen. You know she leaves her laptop there overnight. You put the laptop on the desk and reach inside your bag for the tool.

---

The next day, you head off again to a grimy looking office building. You left your car at the garage, and spent the last two hours walking here. You solemnly swear to yourself that you will never trust the repair guy again and idly remark on how it looks so different on foot.

As you reach the surprisingly clean door marked "Harry Potter Anonymous" you take a deep breath and then push open the door. As you walk into the room and sit down, Helen comes running in, panting.

"Am I late?," she gasps, then, seeing you, she takes the seat next to you. You avoid her gaze. "The most horrible thing happened to me yesterday. Someone broke into my office, " and starting to sniffle, continues with "they trashed my whole cubicle. Not only that," she is crying now, "they destroyed my laptop. With all my stories on it!"

You pat her back awkwardly as she continues to blubber. After about five minutes of this, she calms down and the white-haired man starts the class.

"Today, we are going to try something new," he says, smiling. "I want you to pick two characters and write about a pivotal moment in their lives." He starts to gesture excitedly. "Not only that, but I want you to write it in a new format, something you've never done!"

You nod, and get your piece of paper. You are going to show everyone what good writing is.

When the hour is up, you're ready to show everyone that you are a great writer. "Helen," says the old man. "Why don't you read?"

---

Draco: Betterthanyou

Hermione: Bookobsessed

Harry: Boywhowhined

Ron: Gitwhowhined

Betterthanyou has logged on.

Gitwhowhined has logged on.

Gitwhowhined: Draco.

Betterthanyou: Weasely.

Bookobsessed has logged on.

Bookobsessed: Draco-buddy!

Betterthanyou: Hermione-buddy! I need to tell you something!

Gitwhowhined: What the hell can you tell her...Ferret?

Bookobsessed: Oh, Ron don't say that. I know he was horrible when we were kids, but he's changed!

Gitwhowhined: Oh really?

Betterthanyou: Hermione, I need to tell you something.

Gitwhowhined: Oh, really? Well, if you need to say something, I'm going to go get Harry.

Gitwhowhined has logged off.

Bookobsessed: Oh, don't listen to him Draco. Remember the day we first became friends? You picked up that pencil of mine and threw it at Neville, and I knew then and there you were a gentleman at heart.

Betterthanyou: Hermione...

Bookobsessed: And don't forget that time when I bumped into you in the hallway and you said hi and glared and I knew you were the nicest person on Earth!

Betterthanyou: Hermione...

Bookobsessed: Or that time you beat up Ron because he bumped into me accidentally and right then I knew you were so chivalrous!

Gitwhowhined has logged on.

Boywhowhined has logged on.

Betterthanyou: Hermione, I love you!

Gitwhowhined: What?!!

Bookobsessed: Oh, that's so sweet. I love you too!

Gitwhowhined: WHAT?!!!!

Boywhowhined: Ron, is this all you brought me to see? Because if this is all, I'm gonna go snog Ginny some more.

Gitwhowhined: WHAAAAT?!!!

Boywhowhined has logged off.

Gitwhowhined has logged off.

Betterthanyou: Now that we love each other, let's go get married tomorrow.

Bookobsessed: Hmm...Okay!

Betterthanyou: Yay!!!

Betterthanyou has logged off.

Bookobsessed has logged off.

---

You wake up in the hospital. The nurse stops you when you try to get up.

"Hold it there, buddy," she says. "You've been in a coma for the last week."

"A week?!" you yell.

"A whole week, " she says, smiling. "Apparently it had something to do with a fan-something overdose. I think you need to rest it easy for a while. Oh, and there is someone here to see you."

Helen walks into the room. She barely takes a step in before the flowerpot grazes her head and crashes into the wall. She runs away, screaming something about crazy people who throw deadly objects.

"And don't come back!" you yell after her.

**And we reach the end. Did you love it? Hate it? Think it's fantastically fantopulishnish? Review!**


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